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2:32 p.m. - 06.13.05
VOMIT AND PANIC

I was super tired last night from the wedding [see: cleaning vomit out of car; ref: not my vomit] that I had to forgo watching a movie with the illustrious Kat and just come home and go to sleep. After 4 rounds of solitaire [it�s a nightly ritual I can�t possibly go to bed without it] I went to bed. Tossed and turned for about an hour, then ate half the dinner I was too sleepy to eat earlier and watched � of From Hell and passed out thoroughly. I woke up around 2am to go to the bathroom and when I got back in bed I realized the right side of my body hurt terribly. I figured it had something to do with my shoulder which has been acting up a lot lately, then suddenly I couldn�t sit there anymore, I got really frightened and started pacing up and down the hallway, so frightened I was shaking, I thought that something awful was about to happen or was currently happening and that I was going to die. Then I couldn�t breath and I started freaking out even more thinking I was having a heart attack or something. I went on the internet and started reading about heart attacks which made it all worse and I was twice as scared as I was before. I was afraid to wake my roommate up so I just paced while crying as quietly as I possibly could. Then I went outside because I thought �What the hell, if I�m going to die I might as well have one last cigarette� as soon as I got outside and lit up I started to feel better. All I could do was sit on the pavement and try to breathe as much of that precious nicotine as I could. It only lasted about 5 minutes but damn I was scared. So I called my mom and told her what happened and she said I�d had a panic attack. Then I went and read all about them which made me feel better because not only was it not a heart attack but apparently it�s perfectly normal to feel like that. Perfectly normal if you are perfectly insane. I made my mom talk to me for what seemed like hours but what was probably only about 20 minutes until I�d calmed down enough to be alone. I�m so afraid I�ll have another one that it will probably trigger another one. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I started praying before I got my mom on the phone and I wish I could have recorded what I said. I know it was something like �what the hell is happening to me? Am I going to die? I swear I just want to see Grace grow up then you can take me, I want to be a good mommy. I can�t promise I�ll stop cussing or stop smoking or stop being mean to strangers but I�ll try and do it less and not to their faces.� It�s a start right?

The wedding!!!! I have to say it turned out beautifully. I was a little nervous it would turn out weird but they did such a great job. Decorations looked amazing, not what I was expecting at all. The reception was held like 8 towns over which was a little inconvenient and probably contributed to the loss of guests but it was in a nice place. Oh yes and there was booze. Cheap wine may taste like nothing, and you may not think you are getting drunk but that shit will knock your ass to the ground and kick you several times in the face with its cheap cleats just for shits and giggles. Holy mackerel. So there was boxed wine [3 glasses], Bud light [gag 1 glass], and Champagne [I lost count after 6 glasses]. I had to stop drinking fairly early because I was the driver. By the time the reception ended I was still pretty tipsy but not drunk enough to drive dangerously or get my ass thrown in jail one more time. I ended up giving 2 extra people rides, almost three but luckily we were able to get the usher out of the car before the real fun began. Not 5 minutes into the trip and suddenly all I hear is the sound of retching and the sharp smell of stomach fluid, wine, and bad pasta. I pulled over; praying that no cops decided to stop and make sure everyone was okay since I wasn�t entirely sure I�d pass a breathalyzer, though the cop at the reception deemed me coherent enough to drive. The girl throwing up refused to do it outside of the car. Apparently my seats and the other girls dress were the only things worth throwing up on, asphalt was just not acceptable. We get her off the ground and back into the car and it started all over again, less than a mile up the road and I�m pulled over again. We get back on the road and the girl sitting in the back with the Miss Pukesalot places a plastic bag over her head �just in case�. If I wasn�t on the verge of retching myself I would have laughed, or at least taken a picture. Damn me. I know you aren�t supposed to place people�s heads in plastic unless you are indeed trying to kill them but it was a really good idea at the time. Nothing else of importance really happened but finally I got home and had my Jack in the Box tacos [drunken soul food] and went to bed. Well actually I may have left a couple people notes here on diaryland, and if that was you I apologize. I�m too ashamed as to what I might have written to go back and find out who it was.

So that was my weekend. It was one of those weekends that seem way longer than it actually was. I hope you are all having a happy Monday.

 

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