1:04 p.m. - 01.04.05
YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE
Dear God/Grothar whomever,

Please stop with the rain. Don't you realize that the majority of people in Dallas/ Fort Worth can not drive in it? They are about to kill me and I'd prefer to not be dead. At least not yet. While you're at it, why don't we make it seem a little less like spring and a little more like winter? Remember when it was cold two weeks ago? That was nice. I'm getting angry seeing people in shorts and t-shirts; I'll continue wearing my jackets in protest but let's get this snow on the road. (<--Clever huh? No? Fine.) Thanks a million. And one.

S.W.A.K.
Elizabeth

My mother calls me SCREAMING because my grandmother called her ex husband to find out how his father is, and now it's my job to fix it, and make grandma shut up. I don't get paid enough for this. Wait. I don't get paid dick, let alone enough. My grandmother is insane. She is in dire need of strong narcotics to knock her ass out so she'll leave the rest of the family in peace. I can't call her immediately because I'm at work and I've gotten in trouble for yelling at family members before. Apparently I have volume control issues and work is not the place for the word fuck or bitch or cock sucking bastard. Whodathunkit.

Last night my dad took me to see Lemony Snicket: A Series of Unfortunate Events. I'm sad that the previous sentence makes me sound 15, though the next sentence will make me sound like a pedophile. Hello Liam Aiken where ya been all my life? Oh in elementary school? NIIICE. If it wasn't official before, it is now. I'm going to end up in jail with pedophilia charges. There is something wrong when I'm checking out kids. Oh well sssshhhh don't tell on me. I'll draw you a picture or make you a collage with Jolly Ranchers and Lemonheads.

Oh well anyways if you are still reading I'm having an ungodly craving for carrots right now. I also need a new job. I realized I'm the lowest paid person in the entire building. This other EA gets paid $4 more than me and she does crossword puzzles and word finds all day. At least I get some semblance of work done.

I'm listening to Sean Na Na right now and it's making me want to drink whiskey. Drink Whiskey and smoke pot. How queer.

I've started getting smutty e-mails on my work address. According to Cliburn V. Pedrestrian: "honry (horny maybe?) slutzzz" want to meet me. Good. I don't have any plans tomorrow night ladies. We'll see what we can work out. I've also been invited to at least 7 real estate seminars. By golly gosh I hope they aren't all on the same night. I'd hate to miss those.

When you were on vacation (especially one when you were driving) with your parents, did they ever say "I need a vacation from this vacation"? My parents used to say it all the time. I think they really meant "I can't stand being around these stupid kids any longer. Why aren't they quiet like when they were babies? I wish school started tomorrow." Or maybe that's just a reaction to being around my brother and me.

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