11:22 p.m. - 02.27.05
OSCAR INTERPRETATIONS
Here is my Oscar rundown. It�s random, it doesn�t cover everything and it�s probably full of factual errors. Regardless this is how I interpreted Hollywood�s biggest night. (By the way, I took notes during the show, my roommate says that�s lame, I say it�s better than forgetting what I was going to say and getting angry later).

Scorsese�s eyebrows are wonderful. Jenni wants to nap on them; I on the other hand want to have a torrid affair with them. I worship every bit of that man. Especially those fluffy bits of heaven.

Beyonce must be stopped.
Dear Andrew- No wonder Sarah Brightman left you. Sell. Out. That Phantom display was nauseating. Must. Kill. Beyonce. Hate. Murder. Hate. Kill.

Jeremy Irons is beautiful. And wonderful. And other adjectives.

Andrea so and so that won for Wasp- At least get your hair did. You are at the Oscars. I don�t know what that rats nest was but it needed to be stopped.

Laura Linney- Wash.Your.Fucking.Hair.

Actually, almost everyone nominated for anything that could be construed as �artsy� or �technical� i.e. - shorts, documentaries, lighting�you get the idea; you are at a black tie event. At least brush your god damn hair.

I don�t like the winner for Cinematography. Aviator? No please. It should have been Phantom of the Opera. Or House of Flying Daggers.

Did Salma Hayek have a face? I couldn�t stop staring at her boobies.

Antonio Banderas- Please see note to Laura Linney. And, wait. You sing? Oh. No, you don�t.

Woooo [cue metal hands] Martin Scorsese�s talking. I love you!! Call me!! Hi!

Yo-Yo Ma Rulez!

The dead people montage always makes me sad.

Yo-Yo Ma Rulez!

Did Beyonce buy the Oscars? I�m serious here. Did she? I�m honestly surprised the statues weren�t wearing slutty clothes her mother designed, a new body shape full of bootyliciousness and little blonde wigs.

I can�t stand Josh Groban, his voice makzzzzzzz it�s sozzzzzzzzz I canzzzzzzzzzz.

I�m done with all these songs. It�s not the Grammies, just list them and be done. Play a small clip if you have to.

Stop Showing Jay-Z. See I told you. Beyonce really did buy out the Academy Awards.

Woooo [cue metal hands] it�s Prince!! YAY. You so sexy. WOOO.

Is Sean Penn high? Drunk? Secretly in love with Jude Law? All three probably.

{Commercial interruption: Is it just me or does Blind Justice look absolutely ridiculous? I can�t wait to not watch this show}

Oh BIG surprise, Hilary Swank won Best Actress. And she�s wearing the world�s ugliest dress. Hey Hil- You and your hubby look like brother and sister. Oh yes and I don�t want to see your movie. Kate should have won.

Don Cheadle Vs Tim Meadows
Same person? I think so.

Cheadle and Meadows, respectively

Clint Eastwood has been replaced with a robot.

Boo. Jamie Foxx. Boo. I�m sure everyone in Terrell, TX is having some big celebration. Because even though Jamie Foxx won�t admit he�s from there, they remember and they will pretend they are cool by association. I�m throwing up.

Holy�Oprah got skinny and her hair got fat.

Blah Blah Best director- Clint Eastwood [should have been Marty and the eyebrows...my new band name? possibly]

Blah Blah Best Movie- Million Dollar Baby [actually I�m surprised about this one. I figured it was going to be Ray]

All in all a pretty enjoyable Academy Awards. I think Chris Rock did a pretty swell job hosting. Thank God Billy Crystal died and can�t do it anymore.
What�s that? He�s still alive. Well in my heart he�s dead.

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