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3:53 p.m. - 06.16.04 I have a new girl crush. Rachel Perry. She�s so cute. Hey don�t look at me like it�s weird. It�s Wednesday, Hump day�I�m ready for the weekend again. If only to get some much needed sleep. I don�t know why I�m so tired really. I shouldn�t be. But alas I am. Every time I try to go to sleep early I get sent on some crazy errand. Tonight will be no exception as I have $7 worth of gas in my car and that gives me less than a quarter tank. Of course a quarter tank gets me all of four miles. I knew I should have gotten the fucking Jetta. Is your birthday day 23 of the month? You�re Life; You never live your life in the way others want you to. You are an independent individual who loves challenges and excitement. You are ready to ace with the result of your decision. You are usually the one your friends count on. You�re Love; Because you love excitements, you occasionally get involved in forbidden love affairs. You may fall in love with a married person and no one can stop you from making progress. You are very charming, although you might not realize it. These women I work with are so annoying. I like the men way better. They stand in the bathroom for hours just chitty chatting taking up space by the sinks so you have to ask them to move. We have a company wide instant message system for this purpose. Well I guess they wouldn't want to do that since our keyboards are not in sanskrit and they probably speak all of 7 words in English. Gah. GO. Away. NOW. Speaking of the bathroom...I was in there recently and this woman peed for the longest time. I got in there at the same time as she did and I was finished and walking out the door when she finally stopped. I have to wonder if she wasn't just dumping water in the toilet. I don't even think it's possible for a bladder to hold that much liquid. This made me laugh because it�s true: 1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing. 2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke. 3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are. 4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs. 5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic. 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work. 7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion. 8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped. 9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information. 10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them. 11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell. 12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager. 13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
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