11:37 a.m. - 04.08.04
Dawn of the Dead...I WANT TO SEE IT
Last night while driving around with Jenni we started talking about love. I�ve come to the conclusion that all I really want is movie love. I can love someone like that but can they ever love me? That poetic, perfect, flowers everywhere simple gestures that let me know he�s thinking of me wonderful love. Every guy I�ve ever dated except for one was just selfish and maybe that�s partially my fault. It was always the well what can you do for me mentality instead of hey you deserve this because I love you. Of course when I did date the super nice guy who sent me flowers and did little things for me I was completely turned off by him and just the thought of him kissing me made me want to vomit. I didn�t even enjoy the stuff from him. Because just knowing that I was leading him on made me feel so guilty, but I was afraid of hurting him by breaking it off. Of course it ended badly and I feel absolutely terrible about that. I want nothing more then to find his number and call him and be like wow I was such an asshole and I�m sorry. Not that I�d want to date him now because I have a feeling no matter how nice he was and how well he treated me I still would get that Oh crap is he going to kiss me feeling every time we were together. You can�t make yourself love someone but I wish that I had loved him because he would have made a great husband and a wonderful father and I�m almost certain we would be married now but I couldn�t do it. Whoever he ends up with is going to be one of the luckiest women in the world because he is just by far one of the greatest guys I�ve ever met. Not that every guy I�ve ever dated besides him was horrible by any stretch of the means they were just selfish. Though I�m more mature now and the whole well he�s hot so that�s more important then the fact that he�s a good person crap is behind me. I�ve noticed I�m more attracted to geeky inconspicuous people lately. But anywayS yeah movie love. I want that. It doesn�t exist but I do want it. It makes me wonder if there really is such a thing as the perfect guy. Not that I really know what that is. Perfection is overrated anywayS but the person that everything just clicks into place with. Makes you laugh at their stupid jokes, that you feel comfortable with and you could tell them anything. All I really know is I�m tired of waking up alone.

Last night me and Jenni went out and ran errands before coming home and watching American Idol. Paul told me that John had gotten kicked off and I was SOOO mad because I thought he had actually told me. Luckily he was lying! Thank God Camille got kicked off. I couldn�t stand her. She was so well she was so BAD. And not in the bad = good way. More like the bad = I want to stick sharp objects in my ear canal way. We went and got snow-cones last night and just sat outside and talked for the longest time. It was great fun. We talked about guys mostly and how confusing they are. Seems to be the theme for today but it�s true. I don�t understand them and it�s nice to know she doesn�t either. Should I read into what is said? Should I take everything at face value? Should I assume everything is a joke? Maybe I�ll just ask�what if it�s not the answer I want to hear. It�s just too much. Ha-ha insecurities are fun.

Tonight I have to go spend the rest of my hard earned money on more crap for other people. This saving my money thing isn�t going too well. Eh oh well. Next week is another paycheck. =) My stomach is all churny today. I�m nervous for some reason and I�m not sure why. Maybe I�m excited. I want to go see Dawn of the Dead so freaking bad!!

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